I love being a sister

Having a sister is such a cool relationship. God didn’t have to think it up but He gave it to us because he loves us. I am lucky enough to have grown up with three of them and then get another one through marriage. I got to spend some time this weekend with my little sisters, and in about a month will get to hang out with my big sister.

I love hanging out with my girls. I love being comfortable enough with them to be an absolute idiot and have so much fun doing so. I love getting up really early and drinking coffee with them while we are still too sleepy to have conversations. I love laughing really hard with them. I love it that even when we get annoyed with each other I have no doubt that it will be quickly followed by love, patience and forgiveness.

Maybe you guys won’t understand what I mean, but any of you girls who have sisters do. It’s just cool to be a sister, especially a big sister.  There is something very special about looking at someone and seeing so much of yourself in that person: sometimes you see things that you love and sometimes you recognize things that you wish you could adequately warn them about but know they have to figure it out themselves. I can only imagine it’s a little glimpse of what it’s like to be a parent and watch your kids grow up.

I’ve got some pretty awesome sisters, and I will miss them until I see them again. But that is only 12 days away, so I thankfully I don’t have to wait too long.

Profound Vivacity

I recently read a quote that I liked a lot by E.M. Forrester:

“Away she hurried, not beautiful, not supremely brilliant, but filled with something that took the place of both qualities -- something best described as a profound vivacity, a continual and sincere response to all that she encountered in her path through life.”

Sometimes I feel like I need to be “supremely brilliant” or something like it. But really and truly I think I’d rather be filled with a profound vivacity. Here’s the thing, you can’t fake vivacity. I’ve tried, it comes across as something between annoying peppiness and high strung paranoia.

Vivacious isn’t a word that is part of most people’s daily vocabulary, and like most big words many of us have a general sense of its meaning but not a clear definition. According to the dictionary, the definition of vivacious is “lively”; which is just about as ambiguous as vivacious. So I looked up lively.  

Lively means to be: Full of life and energy, enthusiastic, animated, refreshing, (and my very favorite) responsive to steering. I read that and literally said “Huh?” out loud.

Responsive to steering. I spent awhile thinking about that one. How often do I try to support, direct and sustain myself in my efforts and endeavors? When I try to steer myself is usually when I make the most mistakes. It’s also the times I get the most stressed out and end up trying to project a sense of energy that comes off as high strung craziness with a forced smile.  This is the exact opposite of a continual and sincere response to the things I encounter.

Today I had a rough morning, and I was steering myself straight toward a nervous breakdown. Then I went to lunch with my husband and over the course of that hour allowed myself to respond to the way he steered me into a much more calm and pleasant state of mind. It may just be that my Mr. is super cute and charming (which he is) but I think it has something to do with the fact that he can recognize when I need someone to steer me away from craziness toward a more hopeful outlook.

So I faced the rest of the day with a profound vivacity. It wasn’t a fun day but it was sincere. Tomorrow I believe I will do it all over again.

She is clothed with Strength and Dignity

It really is amazing how we can talk ourselves into anything, or at least allow ourselves to be talked into anything. I recently started reading a new Beth Moore book, so needless to say, it’s entertaining and heartwarming and makes me feel like she and I are girlfriends sitting down for a chat. A chat about insecurity…. Yikes!

I like to pretend that I’m super confident in the talents and abilities that God has given me even though I have always struggled with confidence over other things like physical appearance. And then she said “Insecurity’s best cover is perfectionism. That’s where it becomes an art form”… and I saw myself defined in that statement.

I’ve talked myself into a standard of perfectionism that is impossible for anyone to meet. For example, just today I worked 10 ½ hours in the office and then came home with a stack of work to do. No one told me that I must take work home, and I don’t enjoy working at home, I just did it. I could say that I did so because I’m a natural overachiever, or I’m just that good at my job; but according to Beth’s definition it’s most likely rooted not in confidence but rather in insecurity. Then I came home and just before making dinner for myself I decided to step on the scale, and insecurity hit the roof.

Right before I lapsed into all out self-loathing I sat myself down for a good kick in the pants. I’ve convinced myself to accept a lie that says my worth is based on how I look/perform/etc. I’ve talked myself into it and I have let myself believe it too long.

Obviously I’m not writing a 10 easy steps to overcoming insecurity book just yet (this kick in the pants reminder for myself is happening as I’m writing this) but I’m recognizing in myself the same thing that I would fight kicking and screaming if I saw it attacking my sisters or girlfriends. Far too often I do see them struggle with it, and it makes me furious! If I feel that strongly defensive of their security, how can I think that my Heavenly Father feels less for mine?

So now the goal is not to do more, weigh less, and make everyone around me ask “how does she do it all?” as I save the world with a smile on my face. It is to remember and to really understand deep down that the statement “She is clothed with strength and dignity” found in Proverbs 31 is not a rave review of some really awesome chick thousands of years ago, but it’s a promise that my Dad has made for me because I’m His daughter and He loves me.

She is clothed with STRENGTH and DIGNITY.