Profound Vivacity

I recently read a quote that I liked a lot by E.M. Forrester:

“Away she hurried, not beautiful, not supremely brilliant, but filled with something that took the place of both qualities -- something best described as a profound vivacity, a continual and sincere response to all that she encountered in her path through life.”

Sometimes I feel like I need to be “supremely brilliant” or something like it. But really and truly I think I’d rather be filled with a profound vivacity. Here’s the thing, you can’t fake vivacity. I’ve tried, it comes across as something between annoying peppiness and high strung paranoia.

Vivacious isn’t a word that is part of most people’s daily vocabulary, and like most big words many of us have a general sense of its meaning but not a clear definition. According to the dictionary, the definition of vivacious is “lively”; which is just about as ambiguous as vivacious. So I looked up lively.  

Lively means to be: Full of life and energy, enthusiastic, animated, refreshing, (and my very favorite) responsive to steering. I read that and literally said “Huh?” out loud.

Responsive to steering. I spent awhile thinking about that one. How often do I try to support, direct and sustain myself in my efforts and endeavors? When I try to steer myself is usually when I make the most mistakes. It’s also the times I get the most stressed out and end up trying to project a sense of energy that comes off as high strung craziness with a forced smile.  This is the exact opposite of a continual and sincere response to the things I encounter.

Today I had a rough morning, and I was steering myself straight toward a nervous breakdown. Then I went to lunch with my husband and over the course of that hour allowed myself to respond to the way he steered me into a much more calm and pleasant state of mind. It may just be that my Mr. is super cute and charming (which he is) but I think it has something to do with the fact that he can recognize when I need someone to steer me away from craziness toward a more hopeful outlook.

So I faced the rest of the day with a profound vivacity. It wasn’t a fun day but it was sincere. Tomorrow I believe I will do it all over again.

She is clothed with Strength and Dignity

It really is amazing how we can talk ourselves into anything, or at least allow ourselves to be talked into anything. I recently started reading a new Beth Moore book, so needless to say, it’s entertaining and heartwarming and makes me feel like she and I are girlfriends sitting down for a chat. A chat about insecurity…. Yikes!

I like to pretend that I’m super confident in the talents and abilities that God has given me even though I have always struggled with confidence over other things like physical appearance. And then she said “Insecurity’s best cover is perfectionism. That’s where it becomes an art form”… and I saw myself defined in that statement.

I’ve talked myself into a standard of perfectionism that is impossible for anyone to meet. For example, just today I worked 10 ½ hours in the office and then came home with a stack of work to do. No one told me that I must take work home, and I don’t enjoy working at home, I just did it. I could say that I did so because I’m a natural overachiever, or I’m just that good at my job; but according to Beth’s definition it’s most likely rooted not in confidence but rather in insecurity. Then I came home and just before making dinner for myself I decided to step on the scale, and insecurity hit the roof.

Right before I lapsed into all out self-loathing I sat myself down for a good kick in the pants. I’ve convinced myself to accept a lie that says my worth is based on how I look/perform/etc. I’ve talked myself into it and I have let myself believe it too long.

Obviously I’m not writing a 10 easy steps to overcoming insecurity book just yet (this kick in the pants reminder for myself is happening as I’m writing this) but I’m recognizing in myself the same thing that I would fight kicking and screaming if I saw it attacking my sisters or girlfriends. Far too often I do see them struggle with it, and it makes me furious! If I feel that strongly defensive of their security, how can I think that my Heavenly Father feels less for mine?

So now the goal is not to do more, weigh less, and make everyone around me ask “how does she do it all?” as I save the world with a smile on my face. It is to remember and to really understand deep down that the statement “She is clothed with strength and dignity” found in Proverbs 31 is not a rave review of some really awesome chick thousands of years ago, but it’s a promise that my Dad has made for me because I’m His daughter and He loves me.

She is clothed with STRENGTH and DIGNITY.   

and they lived happily every after?

The glass slipper fits and Cinderella marries Prince Charming. True Love’s Kiss breaks an evil witch’s spell and Sleeping Beauty marries Prince Phillip. Belle’s love for the Beast breaks the curse and they get married. And the one thing they all share is that after the wedding they lived happily ever after.

This weekend we visited Nashville to watch one of our very favorite couples take a vow in which they promised to love God and each other forever. It was beautiful and joyful and so much fun!!! On this trip we also visited with some dear friends who shared with us the heartbreak and beauty they’ve found through their first year of marriage. So, needless to say I’ve got marriage on my mind. Somehow so many of us walk into marriage thinking that if we really love each other we will make a vow and enter into a never ending honeymoon in which we live happily ever after….

If you are already married it is not a surprise to you that marriage is hard. A few weeks ago over coffee I told someone that marriage was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She responded “what is so hard about it?” (this was my thought exactly before entering into marriage myself). I explained that no matter how wonderful your spouse is or how much you love them, marriage means you have to give up selfishness, and that is hard. As my friend tearfully explained this weekend; marriage is living out the gospel every day and is the greatest way that God works out his salvation in us.

He uses the joys and the difficulties of marriage to make us more like Him and to display to others the indescribable love he has for us.

I think I would like to write a fairy tale. It would end with “They lived committed to one another ever after. Some days they were ridiculously happy, some days they fought, some days they cried, some days they laughed together but every day they chose to love each other… and it was awesome.”

Angry Birds!

Remember how Sesame Street used to always end with “Today’s show was brought to you by the letter R” because all of the things throughout the episode had been about rabbits or raspberries or rainbows or radios? The common theme of everything was obviously named in the end so that just in case you missed all of the ways that the letter R was thrown in throughout the last hour they spelled it out for you.

I think if God were to have end credits for my day today it would go something like “Andi’s day was brought to you by the letter forgiveness”. It seemed to be the common theme throughout the day. I’ve had a lot of practice at forgiveness, and have witnessed firsthand the beautiful things and restoration of relationships that can come because of it…. and yet so often I just don’t want to. I am content in my justifiable anger.

Today I encountered a lot of people that I would like to hit rather than hug, I also drove 3 hours back to Tallahassee having to continually practice forgiveness for the other drivers on the road. I spent the majority of that time listening to a sermon by Perry Noble, and so as not to deviate from today’s theme, it happened to be all about forgiveness.

He talked about how when we don’t forgive we’re like angry birds… that's right, the wondefully addictive smartphone app that has captured the world’s attention.  We launch ourselves at the object of our anger, we may or may not cause them harm but ultimately the bird blows up. They may hurt the pig but whether or not they do they always hurt themselves. (if you are lost because you’ve not yet experienced this game, google it, there’s a way to play it online, just make sure you have 3 hours to devote to it because you will get sucked in).

Tonight while I was talking to Clay about the frustrations that come from people who continually hurt me, or worse, continually hurt those that I love, I was getting myself all worked up all over again. He hugged me and said “You certainly are a feisty one, I love that about you. You balance me out. I’m the slow building smoldering type of anger. You on the other hand are a bottle rocket. (followed by fireworks and explosion sound effects) You just have to be careful not to blow yourself up”.

Here’s to me getting better at being “kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”. I kind of suck at this right now, but I guess it’s either I learn how to get better at it or I end up blowing myself up like an angry bird.

How I Knew

I’m pretty sure everyone who is married has at some point gotten the question “When did you know? How did you know this person was the one you would marry?” I didn’t have to wonder too much since Clay told me on our first date that we were going to get married. I love the nonchalant way in which he said “Don’t freak out. I’m not asking you to say yes yet, I just want you to get used to the idea”. So, he knew pretty early on, but I was reminded this morning at City Church of the time that I knew for sure.

It was a few months later. My dad had been battling an ongoing medical issue and had undergone a series of fairly unsuccessful surgeries. Each time he went in for another surgery to address another complication his body was weaker and it got scarier and scarier. Not to make it all about me, but at 22 years old I was facing the very real fact that I could lose my Daddy…. and I was a hot mess.

The night before one of his surgeries I was mad at Clay because I wanted him to pray with me for my dad that God would take everything away and make him better. Since Mr. could tell that I was not asking in faith but rather was trying to force God’s hand to the best solution I saw for the situation, he said no. He said that what I needed to do was pray that God did whatever He knew was best and that whatever that was, I trusted that I would be okay and my dad would be okay even if it meant that I no longer had my Daddy here with me. …. And that pissed me off.

Mr. wasn’t going to fight with me. Instead he turned on itunes to a recording of “It Is Well With My Soul”. He pulled me onto his lap and played the song on repeat until my anger turned to tears. We probably sat there for 30 minutes or more. It felt like hours. After my sobbing subsided to rather constant and decidedly unattractive sniffling he turned it off and said “What are you going to pray for” and I said “That God does whatever He knows is best and that whatever that is, we’ll be okay.” And right there amongst the snot and tears and crippling uncertainty I knew that this was the man that God had picked to be my provider and leader and protector.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul

Enjoy Dinner Before Looking For Tomorrow's Breakfast

I spent the evening with by far the prettiest girls in Tallahassee, the Simmons ladies: Jen, Karsyn, Lila and Tenley. I have so much respect for women like Jen who put their family in a place of such importance that they give up every hour of every day to stay home and raise their kids. My selfish self would have a difficult time doing so for very long before I started complaining. However, spending the evening watching The Little Mermaid and playing with adorable 4 year, 2 year and 1 month old girls is a lot of fun… and being able to get in some girl time with my good friend Jen is pretty good too. J

It’s so easy for me to get impatient looking for the next good thing that I want. In fact I have a reputation with my husband and sisters of always looking toward the next meal, often to the point that I am talking about whatever good food we will eat for lunch while at the breakfast table or asking what we’re having for dinner while on my lunch break.

Lately I’ve spent a lot of time and energy focusing on having kids. I LOVE kids, I want to have a lot of them. However, God has very clearly directed me & Mr. to exactly where we are now and the plan for right now doesn’t have kids in it yet. But it does have a chance for Clay to finish school at FSU, for me to enjoy the challenge and reward that comes from excelling in a job I’m good at. It includes wonderful friends, a life-changing church, a loving family and the best husband I could ask for.

So, I think I’m going to work hard to be excited for my future while still being content with my present… to start enjoying my dinner before anticipating tomorrow’s breakfast. And when I get the itch to have a bunch of kids I will spend some time loving on the Simmons ladies.

Purposeful Exhaustion

Today I feel exhausted. Really exhausted. And it's easy when you feel exhausted to only give 50% to your spouse, or your friends, or your job, or even to God. Sometimes I feel like I give God an attitude of "I should get a free pass for this. You don't understand how difficult this is, You're God, you don't get tired. Just trust me, i'm justified in be lazy and/or being a jerk."

I just read a prayer from a sermon by Mark Driscoll entitled Joy in Exhaustion. I look forward to learning even more from the rest of the sermon, but the prayer with which he opened it was enough to convict and comfort me. I thought you might like to hear it too.

"Father, we begin acknowledging that Jesus is God and that he came to live on this earth, and as a result, he experienced exhaustion. God, we know that he had to be physically fatigued. Scripture tells us. Emotionally fatigued. Scripture tells us. Spiritually just exhausted, God, and we thank you Lord Jesus for continuing with your earthly ministry through the cross where you paid for our sins and through the empty tomb where you purchased for us new life. And God we are thankful for men like Paul who writes the letter to the Philippians that we have the privilege of studying, though he’s in jail after living a very hard life: 30 years as a Christian, in prison, homeless, beaten, shipwrecked, left for dead, exhausted, occasionally working a part-time job on the side. In addition to all of that, he continues to press forward. So God it is our hope today that you would send us the Holy Spirit to enable and empower our lives to be marked by perseverance and sanctification and continued learning and forward progress, so that despite our exhaustion, it might be purposeful – that you might do something good in us and through us. So as we open the scriptures, we ask for your Holy Spirit that we may become like your son and in whose name we pray. Amen."